The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
