We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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