She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
