I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
