I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
