You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
