2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
