even my farts smell like vagina
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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