I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize