All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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