I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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