why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
