They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
