No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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