I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
