highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
