i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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