Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
