it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
