omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
