if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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