So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Randomize
