Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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