literally had 100 drinks last night.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
