Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
