sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
