Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
