He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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