After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
