Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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