I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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