Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
