The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize