I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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