Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
