She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Randomize
