Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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