The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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