Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
