When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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