They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
