My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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