dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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