we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
