I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
