Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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