Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
