You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He better not be in your backpack
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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