I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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