sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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