what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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