did you get engaged???
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
