yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
