I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
