someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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