drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
