my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize