3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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