eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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