How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
