Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
