do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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